My Fetid Nest

I spent two days in essentially the same 3 square feet on the couch. I probably should have stayed there today. In short I am morally opposed to my own illnesses. I think of myself as a generally hardy person and any chink in that armor offends me greatly. Though come to think about it, I'm the only person I know missing a gall bladder - so that doesn't seem too healthy.

Nevertheless, between naps, I had a lot of time to myself that I couldn't use to, say, do anything that involved a lot of movement or exertion. So I was able to use my thinky organ to make lists of all the ways in which I am currently failing as a human being (sickness really does not agree with me).

Issue #1: Laundry. I make no secret of the fact that among all the household chores that exist, laundry is my least favorite. And I have no excuse these days that I need to schlep anywhere to do laundry; after all, I have an entire room devoted to laundry. And still, the laundry room is a tornado of both clean and dirty clothing that I just don't want to get near. I don't know what about this particular chore haunts me so, I only know that it's the combination or sorting, washing, drying, then folding, and finally putting away that has always struck me as a step too many (the dishwasher, on the other hand, has three steps: load, wash, put away - far more civilized in my opinion). It seems devoted partner and I share this loathing as his attempts have always skipped over the folding and putting away steps. But I'm currently missing a lot of clothing and I assume it's somewhere in the laundry room - so that should be taken care of sooner rather than later.

Issue #2: Not eating. I seem to be having some difficulty with this one as well. I ate brioche ends all day yesterday not really paying attention to how many actual slices of brioche the ends may have made up. Devoted partner is making great strides (though I think he has an unfair advantage of being stressed out all the time) in not eating, whereas I am making very very tiny strides. There is no good reason I should be ten pounds heavier this year at this time than I was last year. None whatsoever.

Issue #3: Life planning. Yeah, not making a lot of progress on this one. I've attempted to identify things I'm passionate about, and travel and leisure pretty much take the cake each time. Perhaps I'm going about this wrong. Perhaps when I hear the word 'passionate' I take it too seriously. I sort of hear it as 'consuming passion' as opposed to, perhaps, 'dude, this is ok.' So now I will have to expand my list to things I consider ok. But that list needs to be cross-referenced with the 'profitable' list and those twains meet ever so infrequently.

Issue #4: Family planning. Is it ok that I'm now 33 and still eons away from even weighing in on this subject? "Oh, you're never really ready," is what all you people who already did it say, but I would wager that most of you went off birth control which is readier than I am or foresee myself to be. I feel like there are at least 127 more important things to talk about, but I'm not unaware of the fact that this one has an end date. Can we talk about it later?

Those are the biggies and they assaulted me for two straight days (which is probably why I got out of the house today even though I don't feel much better). Now I send them out into the world in the hopes that talking about them is kind of like doing them.

It is, right?

The Adventure of a Lifetime

From the album: Antonio and Carolina - New York 2007

Madonna Tap, Massachusetts, March, 1997.
First Lobster, Maine, August, 1998.
Pedro so sad at South of the Border, South Carolina, March 1999.
69 Days, 21000km, June-August, 1999.
Corsica, Take Two, May, 2000.
French Thanksgiving, Dijon, November, 2000.
Treasure Cay, May, 2001.
Treasure Cay, Again, March, 2003.
Corsica, Take Three, September, 2005.
Wedding at the Orangerie, Dijon, June, 2006.
Treasure Cay, Again Again, New Year's, 2007.
Poutine with Foie Gras, Montreal, March, 2007.
Stingray Alley, Grand Cayman, July, 2007.
Treasure Cay, Again Again Again, New Year's, 2008.
Wedding in a Bucky Ball, Lisbon, 2008.
Civil Baptism (Je suis le guide moral!), Provence and Dijon, June 2008.
Egypt, March, 2009.
Bonaire, November, 2009.

There isn't a day I'd trade, or a memory I would expunge. Before thirteen more years pass, we will add to this list (South America already looms on the horizon) in new and exciting ways. And while this is merely a glimpse at the photogenic moments, you make the ordinary moments extraordinary. You make my life better. You make me giggle when my mouth is full. You let me warm my graveyard feet on your legs. You put up with my singing the German Shepherd Puppies song over and over again. I has a big happy when I am with you.

Happy Anniversary. I hope you know I'm your devoted partner too.

Now Here It Is, Your Moment of Zen

UPDATE: This might just be the answer. Thanks Tony! (Why did I never think to call you Tony before? You'll hate that!)

So, I've been angry recently. Really really
really really
really really really
angry.

At everything and nothing, at myself and other people, indiscriminately and pointedly. If you were to ask me to choose one word to describe myself, it would be angry.

This weekend The Boy and I went away to see our DC-area relatives. There was nothing particularly special about the trip except that it was a break in the routine. A chance to drive one of the least interesting parts of the I-95 corridor, and in between talking to one another, this gave me a chance to reflect. I didn't come up with a list of answers, but I may have given myself the challenge to structure my life so that I am less angry.

Because a lot of what I'm angry about (or that I identify myself being angry about) is stuff that I can change. The stuff I can't change? I might temporarily borrow from 12-step programs and just decide to be serene about it.

Cool.

Catherine Deneuve.

Step 1: When I am angry at you, if I think the anger can be ameliorated, I'm going to tell you. Not angrily. Just normally. Because you probably don't know I'm angry. And you'd probably like to have the opportunity to either tell me to shove it or to modify things. For situations I think are unfixable. I don't think I'm going to tell you. Much like I don't like when relationships end and you hear stories of the parties giving parting shots, "yeah, well I slept with your sister," I don't think there's any point in giving vent to anger within a relationship that isn't going anywhere anyway.

Step 2: I am going to give myself more to do in an effort to permit myself less time to brood (angrily). That table project from months ago? I'm starting it. I'm not commencing with any new knitting projects until the mostly finished ones strewn around the living room are finished. I'm signing us up to volunteer at Adopt-A-Dog like we discussed doing over a month ago. And maybe dance lessons. And maybe I'll find an organization I'd like to devote some time to.

Step 3: I am going to attempt to give less vent to my macro frustrations. Just because I have a Hobbesian view of humanity doesn't make it interesting conversation. Especially when many of my friends are a little more hopeful.

Step 4: I am going to be like Happy Gilmore and find a happy place. I will go to this happy place when other people's behavior bothers me. This place will be more beneficial than the stabby place I go to now. I tried it this morning. It was ok.

This does not signify a sea change in my snarkiness, as snark has a place and can be used for entertainment purposes. It works less well as a guiding life principle.

I don't want to be so angry and since it is less likely that all the things/people/situations that I am angry about/at/near will suddenly change, I'm going to have to change how I am.

But let me know if I become less funny (if you thought I was funny to begin with).

The Kind of Person Who

Sometimes the people I know awe me. And often for relatively insignificant reasons. Clay seems to upload photos to flickr every day. I think he takes pictures every day. Which means while I am knitting on my couch watching HGTV (it's back, dear merciful lord, it's back), he's out somewhere taking pictures and uploading them (not to mention editing them). I'd like to be the kind of person who does that.

All the food blogs I read, those people make things every day. Then they photograph what they made, edit and upload the photos, etc. etc. I think several of them have day jobs. Yet they take the time to make Meyer lemon pots de creme with basil syrup (actually, I don't know if anyone made that, but I'd like to). It is true, with Defatification 2010 in full effect I wouldn't be able to eat more than a bite of my Meyer lemon pots de creme with basil syrup and then I'd be left with, presumably, eight ramekins of the stuff and do the neighbors really want it?, but in the end, I'd like to be the kind of person who makes pastry more.

Devoted partner and I have traveled a bit in our lives together. These have been some of our happiest times. And I always wanted to be the kind of person who kept beautiful, detailed travel journals. After all, I like writing, surely I could be bothered to keep travel journals. And I tried. Once. On our first trip together. I made it about three-four weeks, and then just got stopped. I was too concerned with how the writing sounded and less concerned with what the writing was about.

I'd hate to think I'm just lazy.

But wait. There is a silver lining. I vowed to stop buying packaged foods, especially of the cookie variety. I reasoned that if I wanted a cookie badly enough, I wanted it enough to make it myself. This has been a mostly successful enterprise. Not nearly as successful, though, as the ice cream thing. I upgraded my ice cream maker about four years ago to a prosumer model that doesn't require freezing a bowl. It's not that the machine was wildly expensive, in fact I got a great deal on a refurbished model, it was more that if I was going to commit to the machinery, I should commit to making the ice cream. In the time that I have owned the machine, I have not bought ice cream. I am the kind of person who makes her own ice cream

I am also the kind of person who gets, on average, five dinners a week on the table. They're not glorious meals a la Peter, who I secretly hope is lying about the amazing meals he cooks his family because otherwise the stir fry I plop in front of devoted partner is sadly lacking, but I cook and it's generally good for us.

And after years of abject failure, I recently became the kind of person who finishes knitting projects. Fearful though I was about how the pieces would look once assembled, I bit the bullet and now you may even see me wearing something I made (well of course I'm going to wear it, it was expensive and time consuming to make dammit!).

And, apologies to Martha, those are good things.

The Other New Year's Resolutions

Everyone is back to the grind today along with all the resolutions for the new year: "I will lose 100 pounds while working out every day, quitting smoking and white flour, finding a man to marry, and getting serious about recycling."

Admirable. But not the whole story. What about the minor resolutions? Why do they get such short shrift? Sure, remembering to call your grandmother once a month might not be as momentous as dropping six dress sizes, but if you make it the whole year having remembered, once a month, to see if your grandmother is still alive (hi, Grandma, I call you at least once every 2-3 weeks because I love you! note: Grandma does not use the internet), that's worthy of the happy feeling of a job well done.

In this spirit, I would like to share with you my other New Year's resolutions:

1. I will wash my face. Every day. At least once.
   
2. I will make a really good stab at flossing regularly (is weekly considered regularly?).
   
3. I will (a)handwash my unmentionables when I take them off at night so that I may (b)wear the emergency Hanes Her Way cotton jobs less frequently which will enable me to (c)throw out the Hanes Her Way cotton jobs that really should not be worn by a person without a medical condition.
   
4. I will realize that even though the temperature feels like 10 degrees outside, this is not carte blanche to leave my house looking homeless.
   
5. I will not consider floss the enemy.
   
6. I will not, throughout 2010, eat a loaf of bread in one sitting and consider it a meal.
   
7. I will take the $400 I would have blown at the Manolo Blahnik winter sale and put it into the vacation savings account.
   
8. I will consider doing likewise at the Manolo Blahnik summer sale.
   
9. I will get up at least two days a month and go take pictures of something. I will attempt to improve my skills (z?). This will be my dedicated taking pictures of stuff time, but will not preclude me from taking pictures other times.
   
10. I will stock more than one roll of floss at a time so that when one roll is finished, I can not use my lack of floss as an excuse to not floss.
    
11. I will change the polish on my toes more frequently than every time I either (a)go on vacation or (b)go to a wedding.
    
12. I will use my new hair dryer at least once a week. This will help me to look not homeless even as it means I have to spend more time "doing myself up."
    
13. I will throw out papers on my desk once their usefulness has expired - I'm looking at you car payment reminder from September.
    
14. I will schedule an appointment to go to the dentist even as this means I will be chastised for my lack of flossing. I will remind the dentist that I am resolved to change this.
    
15. I will throw out the plastic shoe boxes that I bought at The Container Store six years ago that I hated from the start and which now stand empty because I have two double-door closets in which I may store my shoes, on a dedicated ledge, covered by their shoe bags to prevent dustiness. This will let me see that I do not expressly need to visit the Manolo Blahnik winter or summer sales as I already own a satisfactory number of shoes.
    
16. I will further remind myself that my calves are currently too "shapely" to fit into the pair of knee-high Manolo Blahnik boots I already own and that even were they on sale, I do not need a similar pair in brown. Not until they would, you know, fit.
    
17. I will get the battery in my watch changed. It's been about five years. It might be time.
    
18. I will understand that healthy teeth are important and that I would look really really bad without my teeth. This will help me understand the importance of flossing and, studies show, would decrease the amount of blood I spit out when I brush.
    
19. I will not pick my nose while seated at my desk and consider any paper product "close enough" to a tissue. I will walk my fat ass to the bathroom for actual tissue.
    
20. I will remember that, based on the number of packages shipped to our house during the holidays, my Amazon Prime membership has, already, paid for itself. This should help me to avoid purchasing things from Amazon multiple times per week (day) simply because I have Amazon Prime. I will deposit the savings into the vacation savings account.
    
21. I will wear my existing pairs of Manolo Blahnik shoes more often, even in winter, because, by doing so, I will be reminded that it would not be a tragedy if 2010 was a year without a new pair.
    
22. I have lived in Greenwich for five months. I will finally get a parking pass and stop paying daily. I will deposit the difference in price into the vacation savings account.
    
23. I will make recipes from the cookbooks I already have before buying new cookbooks simply because I "like the pictures."
    
24. I will realize that it is better to have the gross "floss gunk" on my fingers than where it was before, stuck between my teeth.
    
25. In an effort to look less homeless, I will wear at least a tiny bit of makeup when I go to work.
    
26. I will not purchase the Crest Pro-Health toothpaste again because the tube does not close and leaks all over the bathroom.
    
27. I will no longer anthropomorphize my muffin top. No one is laughing.
    
28. I will attempt to be at peace with Cablevision, even as they, without warning, took away FoodTV and HGTV. I will cease all thoughts of violent retribution and remind myself that FoodTV sucks, HGTV was fast becoming a dangerous obsession, and that living with privation is a part of life. (I will continue to hope that Time Warner Cable comes to my town.)
    
29. I will get my car washed every 4-6 weeks. It costs 10 bucks and it makes the car look so nice and well taken care of.
    
30. I will stop looking at pictures of people my age on Facebook and commenting on the sorry state of their skin. It is not a nice habit. I should be happy that I inherited good skin genes and not look at others and say, "what, they don't have sunscreen where you live?" Other people's wrinkles in no way ameliorate my fat.
    
31. I will not have 50 pounds of citrus shipped to me this winter. I have enough citrus zest in my freezer to last a lifetime and I will never use it. I will buy citrus when I need it. They stock the same brand in the stores now, I don't need to order from the source.
    
32. I will stop thinking of activities like flossing, face washing, hair drying, and makeup application as time stealers. After all, now that I no longer have HGTV, I have some extra time on my hands.
    
33. I will pack the books I clearly am not taking to be donated in a box and put them in the attic. That is what attics are for, and they look ugly just stacked on top of my shelves.
    
34. I will do the hand laundry backlog, frightening though it is, in shifts, if needs be.
    
35. I will wear my perfume more often. It was a gift and, as I discovered, will go bad after five or so years if not used so that using it is less of a waste than not using it.
    
36. I will seriously consider liking a less expensive brand of perfume.
    
37. I will get Kate her Christmas presents before the boy's birthday. That gives me 6 weeks.
    
38. I will round up all the shot, but undeveloped film from, presumably 2000-2002, and have it developed. I will hope there is nothing incriminating on any of the rolls.
    
39. When I get home today I will make lemon curd before the lemons go bad. Because Meyer lemons are expensive and waste is stupid.
    
40. Likewise, I will waste less produce overall. If this means more frequent trips to the store to buy fewer things, so be it.
    
41. I will throw out the white chocolate that is so stale as to make it nearly impossible to work with. I will treat this as a learning experience and stop buying white chocolate, which I use infrequently, in 22lb. sacks.
    
42. I will throw out clothing that has holes in it. So that I may look less homeless.
    
43. I will throw out devoted partner's clothing that has holes in it (while he is not looking and with one or two notable sentimental exceptions). So that I may look less like a person who dates homeless people.
    
44. I will impulse shop less at whole foods (marinated peppers), and when I do, I will make sure I use the impulsively shopped item before it goes bad (marinated peppers).
    
45. Similarly, I will empty the fridge of items that have gone bad. Even when it is not garbage day. I will simply haul my ass downstairs and deposit the bag in the can. Which is outside. Where I cannot smell it.
    
46. I will have a fridge that has only edible products in it. And weed. No. I did not write that.
    
47. I will remember to put the coupon my mother lovingly clipped for me for $1.00 off jello pudding into my wallet, so that I will have it when I get to the store to buy yet more sugar-free jello cinnamon rice pudding, and will then be able to save $1.00.
    
48. I will buy some sriracha - many fridges I have looked into recently have it and I feel left out.
    
49. I will endeavor to floss my teeth regularly (at least every other day) and definitely after ingesting something that has poppy seeds in it, or similar.
    
50. I will not blog another list for at least two weeks as I think I've pretty well mined the genre for the time being.