Perhaps Not the Criminal Mastermind I Thought

In theory, I think I would make an excellent superthief/superspy: moral relativist, flexible relationship with the truth, rationalizer. In reality, as devoted partner points out more often than I would like (though, to be fair, this is a stupid discussion to be having in the first place so perhaps he's right to put me in my place) I am not all that stealthy. I don't blend in with crowds and I haven't learned how to make myself forgettable (though I maintain that the cunning use of wigs would do wonders for my changling-ness). Also, and perhaps more troubling for the current monster.com resume I have in case SPECTRE is looking for new hires, is that there are certain scams, albeit minor ones, that just wouldn't occur to me, and I wonder if my big-picture attitude is hurting me or depriving me of lower-level experience.

Yesterday the conductor on my train, who I see at least twice a week, punched a ticket for me without seeing my train pass - several of the conductors do this because they recognize me (bad news for my covertness). This was all the more surprising because it was the first time in August I had seen him, meaning he had no guarantee that I had bought a monthly pass for August and I said as much to him, joking that had I known he wasn't going to check I could have saved myself some money. In reply, he told me that there had been a group of women who were regulars on his train that had done just that: they would buy their monthly passes and show them to him for the first week of the month; then, once they were sure he was going to punch tickets for them without verifying they had passes, they returned their passes for a partial refund and rode the rest of the month for free.

Leaving aside how rude that is - I don't know if conductors could get fired for that sort of thing - it's just the kind of petty crime I don't consider. I'm too busy wondering how far I could joyride in that Ferrari before apprehension and if I could find a way to talk myself out of it. And the sad thing is, as compelling a speaker as I believe myself to be, I absolutely FAIL at seeming pitiable.

I try not to speed beyond the average speeder in traffic because I know I'll actually get stuck with the ticket. Even if I was able to muster some tears for the highway patrol person, which I give myself about even odds for, I doubt I'd be believable, and this is a major failing in my criminal mastermind/secret agent ambitions. Women should be able to call on that, "I'm helpless/silly/don't know what I'm doing thing" at the drop of a hat. Feminists bear with me while I maintain that until we have salary parity it behooves us to use what ever tricks are at our disposal to level the playing field - consider the speeding ticket you talked yourself out of with eyelash batting as the first of many hundred dollars you are technically owed if that makes you feel better.

So, I'm checking local community colleges to see if classes are offered in this sort of thing because I figure, if I can't even scam Metro North out of $150, no one is going to invite me on that awesome diamond heist!

Stuck on Planet Freud

I think I have discovered why I am so frequently at odds with others and it boils down to a basic misunderstanding of human motivation. I would like to know that the greatest possible number of people whom I encounter would like to have sex with me. I attempt to comport myself in ways (obviously the days when I don't shower or brush my hair are failures) that make the people around me think, "yes, that's the kind of person I'd have some sex with." I assumed you were doing the same.

This is why I am so flummoxed by picks-nose-in-public, puts-smelly-feet-on-seat, doesn't-say-bless-you-when-someone-sneezes, and doesn't-hold-doors-open among others. I had assumed that, like me, other people wanted to be seen as sexually desirable and would know that sexually desirable people don't pick their noses publicly.

But this makes me even more confused since pretty much every advertisement since time began was about making yourself more attractive in some way so that people would be desirous of sex with you. Have we stopped wanting to have sex? I can't imagine that is true. Mostly because I feel that advertising agencies would have cottoned on and developed different ways to encourage our spending. They're smart that way.

In fact even when I'm being dismissive of someone, it is generally dismissive with an undertone of, "you really ought not to think of relations with me as there is a zero percent chance that sort of thing will come to pass," which I guess presupposes that the person being dismissed was already on the sex-with-me train.

But I don't sense that level of involvement from other people when they act out towards me. For example: the 50-year-old suit who bodily pushes in front of me to get in or out of the train doesn't seem to be doing so to remind me that I don't have a chance of having sex with him; it doesn't seem that well thought out. He's pushing in front of me because it doesn't occur to him that it would be far more polite to let me go first - in fact, if he were smart, he would let me go first and say something like, "after you," so that I would reflect on him later as someone with whom sex would not be horrific.

Yet I do note that a number of these people, both men and women, are married, which presumes that, at some point, they wanted to be sexually attractive to someone. I find it acutely sad that, once paired up, this no longer mattered; at the same time it makes me wonder why they would spend so much on handbags and sunglasses.

Rebuilding in the Off Season

I'm going to be optimistic for a moment and say that cold and flu season is over for the 09-10 winter. To help make the 10-11 season a healthy one, permit me to suggest that you use this time to work on your skills. Namely, cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough. Thank god we don't live in a time of cholera epidemic or we'd all be dead, given the number of people who hack away in crowded areas without covering up. Now, I know my mom was a stickler for proper manners, but she cannot possibly have been the only one.

Similarly, have you (and obviously I speak to my fellow commuters) noticed that I am the only person who says, "bless you" when someone sneezes? I don't understand why you, person who is sitting next to person who sneezed, doesn't. While we're at it, have you further noticed that I am the only person who says hello to the conductor? He said hello to you, not saying hello back is, well, rude. Even if he is socially beneath you, throw him the greeting crumbs from your table.

I don't want to project a false reality: I am certainly rude to people. But I am rude to people specific, not people general. Chances are if I was rude to you, I had a reason. I guess I should say that when rude I am intentionally rude. To be rude as just habit speaks to a far more sinister condition, and one I suspect has consequences far beyond my daily indignation.

And before I start sounding like Mother Theresa over here, in addition to not being a 24/7 polite person, I also don't much care about other people. Not that I wish them harm or have no concern for their well-being, but on a day to day basis, if I don't know you, I don't care about you. So blessing your sneezing isn't borne from some hippie-ass loving everyone nonsense. I just think that it takes more effort to ignore your sneeze than to acknowledge it.

I mean isn't it habit to say bless you when someone sneezes? To let the old lady have the seat? To wait your turn in line? These seem like societal baselines and to act otherwise takes effort. Because ALL of our mothers taught us these things. Willfully disregarding them is a willful act.

And yet you do it. Every day. Day after day. And I don't know where you learned it.

So take these, the gentler weather months, to consider how we came to be at this impasse, and see if you can't make a mental off-season trade so that when we get to this point next year, your team can be in contention for the playoffs.