Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Obligatory Post-Oscars Post

I guess I should have done this yesterday, but I was sleepy - that thing really does go on, and I was a bit behind because my strategy is to DVR the awards and start watching 45 minutes in so I can fast-forward through the commercials which, on a side note, had some winners I was too lazy to fast-forward through (on a second side note: Mercedes has gone a whole new direction with its ads and I, for one, am loving it - the ad for the gullwing? ok, admittedly I have the hots for gullwings, but this was an awesome ad).

This was yet another year when I hadn't seen any of the nominees (because movie theaters really do prefer if you wear pants when visiting, and I prefer to watch my movies in a robe), but that doesn't stop me from enjoying the show. I can root for people merely based on my general feelings for them and not the quality of their work which, I would guess, I am not alone in doing. So let's start with what I didn't like:

#1: The kid who isn't Michael Cera. I watched the red carpet show and watched him being interviewed (he has no tv, he hates fame, he is really working the giant douche persona) and all I could think was, oh dear god get over yourself. If you don't want to be famous, go work as a cashier, or a mortgage banker, or an oil prospector; but since you decided to be an actor, STFU and be a good sport. Your ennui doesn't begin to approach compelling.

#2: James Franco. Yawn. Anne Hathaway should get down on her knees and thank you because you made her look relatively amazing.

#3: The ladies and their talking. Devoted partner and I fondly remember Sidney Poitier's honorary Oscar acceptance speech because it rocked. Like, I don't know, he had taken elocution and rhetoric at the University of Awesome. Everyone else, not so much. But as a woman, I take exception to actress acceptance speeches that hew more closely to prom queen acceptance speeches. Where's the dignity? Where's the gravitas? Why can't you ladies string together words into sentences that sound like you make your living from speaking sentences? The tittering, sobbing, and ohmygodeveryonei'veeverknownissothebest crap is tiresome. I think, maybe, Cate Blanchett can pull it together (I just checked, and she was pretty good, with some "ums," but overall well put together, so it can be done).

#4: Gwynneth Paltrow. In addition to being one of the ineloquent Oscar acceptees, she really needs to stop singing in public. She isn't any good. And she's so smug and self-satisfied that I just want to throw potatoes at her.

#5: Christian Bale. Your low-class accent is fake. I say it here and now. A) You are Welsh and you sound nothing like Tom Jones and everything like a character from Oliver! B) We all saw you in Empire of the Sun, you can talk like you don't have Yorkshire pudding in your throat. C) Has nothing to do with your fake accent, but please shave.

#6: Where was Jack Nicholson? He's always good for being the butt of a couple of hooker jokes.

And some things I liked:

#1: Alec Baldwin. I wish he was in everything.

#2: Mila Kunis's dress. Best of the night, I think.

#3: Aaron Sorkin's pre-planned, but still cute enough reference to respect and guinea pigs.

#4: Cate Blanchett's dress. Ok, I love her and she can do no wrong. She's like the anti-Paltrow.

#5: ABC's exclusive look at the green room. Ok, no, that's a lie. It was stupid and a time-filler and who cares anyway?

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