We have a rather limited set of television shows we watch with any regularity and this leads us to, when we fail to fast forward, see the same commercials over and over again. My guess is that were we to watch some other shows on other channels, our view of the world and the products it has to offer would change, but for now, I'm convinced there are only about a dozen or so things tv tells me I simply cannot live without.
And I'm a little concerned about a couple of them.
Ad #1: Remember in that movie The Devil's Advocate where then-unknown Charlize Theron goes shopping with the other lawyers' wives and the wives turn out to be demons with scary faces? Well, they found other women like that and put them in an add for the Trojan Triphoria. These hens cackle in a most unnatural way that actually frightens me. They are at a bridal shower and apparently all of them have purchased a vibrator for the bride-to-be. Now, I like to be as sex-positive as the next liberal elitist, but even I am a little confused as to the message of this one: hey you're getting married, you'll probably need these three identical vibrators to stay sane. It's all downhill from here. Your husband will be working late and you'll have to make do with chocolate bars and buzzing. But, no, the bride-to-be goes home and shows her husband that she got three identical vibrators from her demonic friends and he fist pumps into the air. Which I guess could also mean that he's pleased to be off the hook. And that a Trojan Triphoria is less threatening than the gardener.
On a side note, you cannot (repeat: CANNOT) purchase this item if you live in Alabama, Louisiana, Kansas, Mississippi, Texas, or Virginia (kudos, West Virginia, for being the more enlightened of the Virginias). That's right, you cannot buy this product if you live in those states, sorry Abby and Danielle. Apparently, only a doctor in those states is available to treat your hysteria.
Ad #2: It's a tough world out there. With so many vibrators to keep track of, what options are available to the working person who simply doesn't have time for anything? I mean, have you considered how much time and energy it takes to get a cup of coffee. Apparently, it is a huge investment of time and mental energy. After all, you have to make it and/or buy it. The modern American simply cannot expend this kind of precious time-ergy on coffee when 5 Hour Energy is just a sip away. If you've seen this commercial, you know how preposterous it sounds. The pursuit of a cup of coffee has been likened to the pursuit of a driver's license renewal. or a Russian bread line. You would be a fool to waste all of this time just to get coffee.
Except, wait. I drink an espresso that I make each morning. And Jamie has coffee religiously. Furthermore, Jamie's a dad now which surely cuts down on his available free time. I wonder how he manages. Oh, wait, no I don't. For the exorbitant price of somewhere near 30 dollars, Jamie invested in the space-age technological feat of the programmable coffee maker. In futureworld, Jamie sets up his coffee before bed and it brews itself in the moments before he wakes up, providing him with a steaming hot cup o joe when he trundles down to the kitchen. It's simply flabbergasting that this technology is available, but I guess, only if you have 30 dollars (note: about the same price as two weeks' worth of 5 Hour Energy). My process is barbarically longer: I wake up, I go to the kitchen, I turn on the espresso machine, I go to the bathroom, wash my hands, turn on the computer, and return to the ready-to-go machine into which I feed, in succession, two pods of espresso and hit a button. Each pod takes about 15 seconds to brew, so I might have to spend 1 minute total (it takes several seconds to remove the first pod, put it in the trash, insert the second pod, repeat, stir the sugar into the coffee, etc.) to get my coffee. Decadent time wastage, I know.
But somewhere, focus groups were consulted and much money was spent to air these commercials for some of the most important things in our lives: sexual stimulation and narcotic dependence. I really must be more vigilant about fast forwarding through commercials - imagine how much coffee and vibration I could have time for if I did!
2 weeks ago