My Open Job Application to The Daily Show

Dear The Daily Show,
I'm a woman. There have been rumors that women don't feel so much of the love working for you. I don't really care. I'm a big fan and I can clearly take what you can dish. What I do care about is that other women seem to be hired in my stead. Granted, you've never received a formal letter of interest from me, but I'm considering changing that. Your women don't seem to last long with the exception of Samantha Bee, and I have a theory on that: she's the only one who is funny. These other women you hire, they are not funny. They are cloying and annoying and seem to equate humor with being massively, cliche-ly over the top. You have a new woman whose name I haven't bothered to learn because I doubt she'll be around long, and in her first appearance, she was a train-jumping hobo. Who wasn't funny. Not even a little bit. Then she was in a maelstrom of primary antagonism in South Carolina. Also not funny. She pulled faces and made silly voices and did pretty much everything I don't associate with humor on your show. Olivia Munn was just as bad. And don't get me started on the girl with the annoying voice.

Samantha Bee is self-deprecating, sarcastic, sardonic, all the good S-es. It's why I like her. The other women should be on sitcoms with laugh tracks for all the originality and verve they bring.

So, I would like to volunteer my services. I am a sarcastic, rage-filled, New York snob who would describe her attitude towards modern political life as ennui-filled, but can't because I do seem to still care. Previous experience includes a serious consideration of a run for the Senate seat soon-to-be-vacated by Joe Lieberman which I abandoned when I discovered he was no longer running, thus nullifying my campaign slogan, "I couldn't possibly be worse than this guy." I was also frankly adorable during several appearances on a game show in 1982-84. I don't think I'm necessarily funny, but I could work on my confidence in that arena. I know I'm funnier than the other fly-by-night women you have employed. And, not being a professional comedienne, don't have much invested in myself in that regard. Which means I won't throw hissy fits over my creative voice.

Furthermore, I'd be rather perfect at PR because I would happily stand in front of cameras and tape recorders and assure your critics that the women who have been unhappy in your employ were a bunch of whiners. I have no ego when it comes to being made to look ridiculous, and am rather phenomenal at keeping a straight face; also lying. While others might find me insufferable, I have never found myself to be. Additionally, if you hired me, I could finally convince my parents to stop watching the NBC local news at 11.

In short, I think I have The Daily Show voice. I think we could work well together. While I'm not really a cult of personality-type person, I might be able to get it going for Mr. Stewart, and I'd be all for practical jokes when Donald Rumsfeld or similar is in the green room. I would also bake cupcakes. I mention this because my understanding is that people like cupcakes. And my baking is pretty outstanding.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. Or I'll just assume you've already read this when I send you my letter of inquiry.

Best,

Yelena