Friday, July 15, 2011

Suing My Friends For Damages

I've been a little under the weather this week, but thanks to the glory of Netflix on demand, I haven't been alone. Which brings me to the problem:

you people who have suggested I watch the series Damages must be seriously smoking crack!

I have now completed season 1 - and you might ask why I watched all the way through a season of something I didn't like. 1. I was bored. Seriously bored. 2. You guys said you liked it and I like and (mostly) trust you. So now that we've all watched season 1, I need to know what you liked about it. To help you formulate your answer, I will tell you what I didn't like about it.

1. There is not a single redeeming thing about any of the characters. Seriously. They all suck. I'm rooting for none of them. They are all legitimately BAD people. And not The Godfather bad. One-dimensional bad. Porno bad.
1b. Which made me (not a spoiler, you see it in episode 1) not at all sad that Rose Byrne's fiance got offed. Because he was a douche. Who was so clearly, stereotypically, threatened by his high-powered lady even before it was discovered her boss was a psychopath. He just sucked. Trust me, the fireworks that would have befallen this relationship had she been a rude bitch at a dinner party held by his Chief of Residents...

2. The Friends problem. The Friends could never have afforded the Friends' apartments. Never. The first-year associate and first-year resident were making 200K tops (I googled). They lived on Riverside drive in the 90s in what appeared to be at least a 3 bedroom pre-war apartment. Here you go 190 Riverside Drive and the too far north 222 Riverside Drive. I'll take the average: $3,399,000. EVEN IF Glenn Close got them a bitchin' deal or chipped in a mil on the down payment, they would still be in the hole over 14K/month on just the mortgage (assume the maintenance on a place like this would be in the neighborhood of 2500-3000). Or 17K/month all in. $200,000 salary after taxes = 120,000, give or take. 17K/month x 12 months = $204,000. See where I'm going with this?

Which leads to 3. If you have such an amazing house. I mean such a stellar deal of a lifetime house, wouldn't you LOCK THE @#&*()^$()&*($^)( DOOR?!?!?! Ok, I get people can be complacent about safety in a doorman building. After all, the doorman is there to make sure uninvited guests don't get in. But after, oh, I don't know, THE SECOND stranger ends up in your apartment, wouldn't you lock the door then? Or change the locks? Or both? I'm not saying creepy people couldn't still get to you, but they'd have to work at it.

I have as much sympathy for the victims of unauthorized home entry who don't lock their doors as I have for the victims of car crashes who don't wear their seatbelts. And these people went to many many many years of school (note: in addition to their 204K/year in mortgage and maintenance payments, one would assume that, together, they had somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-500K of student loan payments, just saying).

But the biggest gripe comes after watching more and more of the season. It's like one big M Night Shamalamalamalamalamalan movie. Oooh, everyone is involved, everyone is in on the conspiracy, trust no one, don't feed the gremlins after dark, it's a riddle wrapped within an enigma wrapped within a taco bell chalupa. Mwahahahahaha.

Adding more people to a conspiracy does not make the conspiracy more interesting. For an example of how to smartly add more people to a conspiracy, rewatch All The President's Men. Also, while watching, notice how assiduous Robert Redford is vis a vis door locking. You know like someone would be when freaky-ass shit keeps happening to him. Also, notice how shabby Robert Redford's apartment is.

So I don't get it, y'all. I've seen Glenn Close act better and be more convincing and have a haircut that looks less like she and Martha Stewart groom in tandem. That other guy, who's in all the tv shows, who's kinda cute, but always always flawed (wasn't he the guy from the O.C. who loses all his family's money?), isn't actually a good actor and, a la Clive Owen, only has that one face. Speaking of one-faces. Rose Byrne has one face as well. Eyes-staring-out, slightly-deer-like, but also in a way that is supposed to make you think all is serious and already figured out, face. Which is boring after thirteen episodes (two episodes). And you know what? As crappy as lawyers are, no one is this crappy. Suspension of disbelief when in the context of the real has to be at least a little believable. This isn't an alternate universe. This is Manhattan, circa 2007, and while there are lots of seriously bad stories one could find to tell, stories that would flip you out, make you reexamine your neighbors, etc. etc., this isn't one of them. This is too much. Too unbelievable. Too too too.

If I get sick in the future, I'll try my hand at Season 2, but only because a) I've already watched every single episode of Law&Order: SVU and b) No matter how many damned anime series Netflix adds, I won't be watching them!

1 comment:

  1. I liked Damages, but regarding further viewing, keep in mind that Season 1 is the high-water mark.