Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Lest We Forget About the Important Things

I was all set to huff and puff about something insanely important to life as we know it: traffic lights and their utility to modern society, when I realized that this blog is not painting a picture of me as an even remotely well-adjusted person who takes time to ruminate on the world around her. Instead she plots elaborate fantasies about destroying utterly those who speak on cellphones in her general vicinity. Surely the 5.8 million dollars spent on my education yielded something beyond the capacity to snipe at commuters and whine about the cost of exotic produce.

So I'd like to step back and examine a serious issue facing us this week so that perhaps my small contribution can help us all to understand things better. I speak, of course, about the Tiger Woods saga.

I know. You're at sixes and sevens about the whole thing. Me too. I just can't stop thinking about it or wanting to hear/read/watch things about it. The very idea of a multimillionaire professional athlete, his former nanny Swedish bikini model wife, and the tragic dissolution of their union shakes the very foundations of my worldview. How could these two kids have gotten it so wrong?

Professional athletes from Kobe Bryant to Mohammed Ali have demonstrated that, simply because a man is paid extremely well and universally worshiped for his physical prowess and strength, he need not be a serial philanderer who believes himself to be above the moral constructs of our society. Sure, women from around the world may vie for a chance to orally commingle with them, but these men are grounded enough to realize they are not gods for whom consequences are a moot point. I cannot think of a single professional athlete who has been callous enough to put his "hockey stick" in non-matrimonial "goal areas" - it simply doesn't happen. Maybe that's how the game is played if you are a stockbroker, or a patent lawyer, or a podiatrist, but that's just not how our athlete heroes roll.

Similarly, if you are, say, a stunningly beautiful but mentally light woman whose career experience involves caring for rich people's children, teaching rich people and/or their children a sport or hobby, planning parties for rich people and/or their children, or generally being in the rich people service industries, it is only right that the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow is a long and emotionally, not to mention economically, fulfilling permanent legal relationship with one of the members of the class you so humbly serve. Once love hits, the idea that you and the "richie" are on such grotesquely uneven footing as to make the very notion of a partnership seem absurd, becomes, again, an idea that might apply to secondary school teachers, nurses, or peace corps volunteers, but not to women for whom higher education is a hindrance not a help.

Adultery happens to other people. A subordinate woman's good looks will always dissuade her egomaniac husband from getting free nookie from other women. After all, what man would want unlimited free sex from only passably attractive women when he could have perhaps occasional sex maybe sometimes after a suitably large gift had been exchanged with a totally gorgeous woman? See? It just doesn't make sense.

So, I'm frankly flummoxed. It's probably why I can't get enough coverage of this worldshaking event. I know you feel the same way. And the reason I know this is that, apparently, this is such a major event that no other news has taken place since it began. It's like other news knew how important this was and is waiting until the dust settles before making itself known.

As for the figures at the center of this continuously unfolding tragedy, I hope you two know that you've let us all down. This isn't the way things work, and all you two need to do is look to others in your situation to realize how far off the mark you truly are. I only hope the hundreds of millions of dollars in play can be used to wipe up your children's tears - that is if you can find them among your other tokens of good fortune.


  1. Okay, I know this is a humorous post, but I leave you with a more serious question... Are cheaters more inclined to become celebrities or is it celebrity that makes people cheat? A bit of both?

  2. I disagree with the premise of Aidan's question. I just don't think Mr. Joe Nobody's filandering makes the front page of the Post.

  3. Sadly, I think people cheat. Period. Celebrities, out-of-work steelworkers, our moms (I don't know about my personal mom, but I don't rule out the possibility). Cheating is easy and some would argue natural. Not cheating is the challenge. Because it's hard. If 1/2 of marriages end in divorce, it might be fair to posit that 1/2 of marriages involve cheating (assuming in a wholly unscientific way that some cheating ends in divorce and some cheating is either never discussed or is worked through). And, yeah, we only get to hear about the cheating in friends' relationships and in famous people's.