Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Cl!t0r!s or Why You Should Make More Dessert

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Originally uploaded by reallyct

It was mentioned to me that my last post was briefly confusing - that is if you can't read. A hapless (but devastatingly handsome, talented, interesting and, above all, modest) reader was dismayed to discover that my article was not, in fact, about how making dessert would get you more happy fun time and, instead, was a "boring" recipe.

I feel your pain, brother.

I don't think the mainstream media discusses the relationship between dessert and cl!t0r!s accessibility nearly enough, and it is up to, dare I say it, maverick(TM) members of the blogosphere, like myself, to pick up the slack.

To begin with, I'm glad that the gentlemen out there are interested in more cl!t0r!s. This represents a sea change in sexual acquisitiveness that is heartening. Once there was a time when conquests were measured in the number of sex acts being performed upon you and not the number of sex acts you were able to perform on others. Rare was the man (boy) who bragged to his friends about how many women he was able to pleasure.

Similarly, as we continue to see chocolate cake lose the PR battle to organic mesclun, it is simply wonderful to discover that there are people who would be willing to return to dessert if the dessert in question offered a happy ending (please, no offense to the lovely people at Friendly's who, I believe, still have something on their menu called the Happy Ending Sundae).

So I would like to talk about the relationship between attainment of the female orgasm and the making of dessert. Let me warn you, in advance, this will not be some tired discussion of how chocolate is the same as an orgasm for women: if you believe this, you need to have better orgasms effective immediately!

When I dine out, I frequently see couples, in various stages of love for one another, ask for the check before their meals are over. These are people for whom dessert is not a mandatory part of the dining out experience. Now, it is true, there are occasions when I, myself, do not order dessert, but those times are NEVER when I am at a restaurant that serves a good dessert (sorry Chinese restaurant, but your lychee pudding does not qualify). Why would you skip out on dessert? The damage to your diet regimen has already been done, don't suddenly develop a conscience when the dessert menu is presented!

Because the sad thing is, there are still a great number of women out there who won't have the cojones to order a dessert if their dates don't - as though that would make a bad impression. Certainly this evaporates, I think, the longer a couple is together, but gentlemen, order a dessert! If she demurs, tell her it's YOUR favorite part of the meal and encourage your server to bring two forks/spoons. But choose wisely, and remember one dessert does not fit all. When in doubt, tell your dinner partner that you definitely want dessert, but don't know which one to order, and ask her what she would order if she was going to order a dessert (only the most self-controlled of humans will be able to get out of this one).

But the title of this post is why you should MAKE dessert, and the simple answer is: dexterity.

While watching a man deftly wield a squeeze bottle full of caramel sauce might not be the kind of foreplay every woman wants, I embrace the idea of men using whatever talents are at their disposal to demonstrate that they are good with their hands. If you have a flair for baking, show it off! Forget the stereotypes that would tell you it's feminizing; I have known more than a few men who are good in the kitchen, but otherwise not at all sexually interesting to me, whose stock has gone up after witnessing them do something masterful in the cookery department.

Furthermore, even if your dessert is a disaster, which it couldn't possibly be if you made yesterday's clafoutis recipe, unless the woman you seek to impress is a total bitch, you will get an A for effort.

Which you will promptly lose if you aren't dexterous in matters referenced in the first part of this post's title!

While chocolate cake is wonderful and I ask for it by name on a regular basis, there's something arguably more important that I ask for by name on a regular basis. If you have been unfortunate enough to number among your partners only the type of women who would rather remain unsatisfied than bruise your fragile ego by giving you some pointers, or if you have derived the bulk of your sexual education through obsessive viewing of pornography, this will probably shock and appall you: you are doing it wrong! I do not claim a monopoly on female pleasure, but I feel confident in asserting that if your technique is made up solely of poking, prodding, and whatever that thing is where you line up three of your fingers in a flat plane and then proceed to move them laterally as quickly as possible (fake nails optional) against the sensitive bits of your partner, your technique is very very bad.

Much like chocolate cake, quantity will not make up for bad quality in this department. Lots of bad chocolate cake is merely depressing and fattening; lots of bad starts with C and ends with GUS is merely depressing and chafing. Bloated chafed girls are no fun for anyone.

Fortunately, one can learn how to do both things well. Yes, it will take some practice, but it's not like practicing either of those things sucks. Oh, no, not another chocolate cake to try. Oh, no, not more head. See how this is only a win/win situation?

Lost without inspiration? Allow me to assist. Have you considered:

  • pots de creme - like creme brulee but without the dangerous fire
  • pound cake with macerated fruit - and you may not buy your pound cake from the supermarket
  • flourless chocolate cakelets - see postscript
  • salted caramel ice cream - a man who makes his own ice cream is a sought after man indeed
  • meringue kisses dipped in chocolate - almost dietary!

Just saying these things should make you feel amorous. Dessert might be a hokey method of seduction, but that doesn't mean it won't work.

In summation, and with your continued forbearance, only the stingiest of men withhold dessert - of both varieties - and even in this time of economic uncertainty, both kinds of "dessert" are easily affordable. Now is not the time to skimp on butter or affection, and I heartily encourage my male readers to remember that when the savory part of dinner is over this evening.

P.S. For those wishing to acquire extra credit, I have a really easy flourless chocolate cake recipe I'd be willing to share...

1 comment:

  1. Now I'm hungry! This was a recipe worth reading!!!