Thursday, September 17, 2009

You Make My Stalking So Easy

Dear Sir,

It was a crowded train, but your interesting accent made me take notice. I am pleased to discover that you are a world traveler, seeing as how you will be in Mexico City this Saturday and Sunday before flying to Brazil for Monday and Tuesday. I, too, like to travel and, what with your knowledge of Central and South America, two areas I have sadly overlooked thus far, this was highly gratifying information to receive.

I am further pleased to note that your business, oblique though it still is to me, is going well, and that the Middle Eastern bank might want to invest. However, this did give me pause. Was it a Jordanian bank? Perhaps an Emirates bank? These would demonstrate the kind of straight and narrowness I look for in my stalkees. However, I should warn you that, due to the current political climate, if the interested "Middle Eastern bank" is of the Syrian, Iranian, or, god forbid, Iraqi variety, my own interest wanes. If I think about it further, I must admit that I am a little concerned that you referred to it as a Middle Eastern bank as it makes me wonder if your geography isn't all it could be and that you might not be able to distinguish among Middle Eastern countries.

Also, you could have been more precise about what exactly you are trying to get people to invest in. Who knows, I might have been interested. You never know where fortune will find you. You referred to cable a number of times, but I couldn't quite distinguish whether you were discussing it in reference to the fiber optic kind of cable or the CNN kind of cable. No matter - both are interesting.

You're looking to rent your house in Old Greenwich! Wise move. In these troubling economic times, rentals are slightly more attractive than purchases due to the fluctuations of market values and the inability of many credit-worthy individuals to secure mortgages. This seems a sound business investment for you. I, personally, would hesitate to admit to people that while they will be renting your house, you will be living in a studio "because you travel so much." This information isn't important to your potential renters and, as a renter myself, this would lead me to smell blood in the water. You would prefer to live in your house, but you can't afford to, so you will rent me your house while you live in your car. See how this could create an unfavorable impression and yield a lower return? I would say that, having just recently rented in this general vicinity, your price of $2,650 sounds soft. After all, it's a 2-bedroom and you yourself admitted that the attic "needed work." Whether that means there are bats or a crazy first wife, it would give me pause. Also, it's more than I paid for my 2-bedroom and I have 1/3 of an acre as well.

All in all, I feel my introduction to you was a thorough one. I know generally what you do, that you're a comer, that things might be looking up if certain unspecified Arabs give you money, and that you own a 2-bedroom in Old Greenwich that, should these deals come through, you might not need to rent out while you live in a studio somewhere. I also know what you look like. Sadly, after listening to you make no fewer than four separate lengthy phone calls within a roughly 35 minute period, I still can't tell where you are from. My instinct says the Netherlands because the accent was vaguely Germanic, but sadly, I wouldn't put money on it. Perhaps the next time our paths cross you could find a way to work that into one of your many conversations.

Yours most sincerely,

aka the girl who was trying to read

P.S. I am well aware that at present this might be a little beyond your means, but they have invented a mode of transportation that allows the important businessman or woman to conduct important business while in transit. You sit in a plush backseat with lots of legroom and an employee drives your large car while you cheerfully merge and acquire, obsoleting thousands of employees with a wave of your hand while toppling the Yuan. It has been my experience that if you cannot afford that luxury, your business is not that important. Just an observation.

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