The Results Show

Yes, it is a cop-out to make today's post simply the results from Tuesday's post, but I'm in a slight funk - so much so that my inaugural Tim Horton's 'donut' was thrown out half eaten cause it just wasn't any different from a Dunkin' 'donut.' And who really throws out donuts? Maybe it's because I found a desk and the guy who is selling it hasn't responded; maybe it's because I found myself in a cigar bar sipping bourbon and salivating over the man's cigar at the next table; maybe it's because I can no longer even pretend it's still summer-ish. Whatever the reasons, I have decided to take it out on you. Especially since not one of you summoned the 2 minutes it would have taken to choose T/F on my list. For the record, devoted partner, in a valiant effort, scored an AMAZING 15/20. Well played, son, well played.

1. I loved barbie and paper dolls as a child, but only for the fashions. I never constructed elaborate stories for them. My favorites were the Carmen Miranda paper dolls (which I found on ebay and repurchased as an adult) and the Oscar de la Renta collection for Barbie. - Absolutely TRUE. The Carmen Miranda paper dolls are boss! I also had Princess Diana and, no lie, Nancy Reagan by the same publisher. Neither was as cool as Carmen
   
2. The reason I don't wear lots of jewelery is that I have an allergic reaction to anything that isn't a precious metal resting on my skin; ergo I wear my earrings which are gold and diamond and nothing else. - FALSE. And frankly lame. Sorry about that.
   
3. I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch every day (with rare exceptions) from kindergarten through seventh grade. - TRUE. My parents practiced an ancient form of child abuse known as kosher. Kosher discriminates against prosciutto, scallops, and cheeseburgers and, in rare cases like my brother and me, produces evil children who cackle while they stuff pig's feet and veal thalamus gland into their heretical faces.
   
4. I had a pet goldfish that I won at a fair that lived with us for five years. - Patently FALSE. Though the tiny turtles I bought off some guy in Columbus circle held on for more than 6 months.
   
5. My first celebrity crush was Ricky Schroeder and I developed several unhealthy fantasies about his indoor train. - Yeah, FALSE. As befits a creepy misfit like myself, I'm pretty sure that my first celebrity crush was Sean Connery.
   
6. I pretend I finished Infinite Jest, but really, thought it was so bad from the start that I gave up after five pages - I judge it harshly as if I had read the whole thing. TRUE. See also Franzen, The Corrections. This hype, I fear, is not to be believed.
   
7. I have a subscription to Cosmopolitan Magazine and I hide it like pornography when it arrives at the house. -FALSE. If I don't know all the secret secrets to secretly turning my man on (hint, it involves a word that begins with fell and ends with atio) by now, there's probably no hope for me.
   
8. I don't have a compelling "where were you on September 11th" story because I was watching Beverly Hills, 90210 reruns on F/X. - TRUE. I made an excellent unemployed person.
   
9. I was accepted to the vocal program at Juiliard with scholarship and didn't go because I wanted to have sex with boys at college. - FALSE. Didn't apply because I was under the assumption that if one could get into a place like Amherst, one didn't apply to art school. Art school was for people who couldn't go to brain school.
   
10. My brother got DNA testing that verified that we, like others of Lebanese extraction, are of direct Phoenician descent. Sadly, no Ghengis Khan link yet. - FALSE, but I so wish it was true. "I'm half Cherokee, what are you?" "Phoenician, bitches. What do you say to that?"
    
11. I love Chef Olivier's Foie Gras torchon, the Steak Frites at Balthazar and the chocolate fondant recipe I ganked from Daniel, but the meal I'd eat every day for the rest of my life is two slices of Mimi's Pizza. - TRUE. So clearly true. It takes every ounce of willpower I can muster not to have a slice for breakfast on my way to work.
    
12. I have never seen E.T. - FALSE, I just didn't think it was the masterpiece of our youth. I don't know what I think was the masterpiece of our youth, but this was a little too saccharine for me (even as a tot).
    
13. When my parents asked me what I wanted to do for my 25th birthday, I said "Cookie Puss." - TRUE. I think I've been fairly up front about my eating disorder. Also, it's not like had I said, "Babbo," we would have done that instead.
    
14. When I found out Giuliani was running for president I re-registered as a Republican so I could vote for him in the primaries; I switched back to the democrats when there was no hope he'd be our next president. - FALSE, but could have easily been true. I've said it before and I'll say it again. He might be a fascist, but he's my kind of fascist.
    
15. I had a short article published in the National Review and never told anyone because I was so embarrassed. - FALSE, but also could have been true. For the record, a piece I wrote in a college magazine about needing some kind of structure vis a vis requirements for humanities majors (i.e. one shouldn't be able to graduate with a degree in history if one only took courses in the history of Holland), was referenced in a U.S. News and World Report article about standards in higher education, and then referenced by about 1001 nutjob crazy conservative rags as proof that gay poetry and the socioeconomics of Burundi were ruining our children.
    
16. I own stock in exactly one company and the original certificate was a gift. - TRUE. Drink Pepsi, people!
    
17. I haven't done hand laundry in about six months. There is still an unpacked box of dirty unmentionables. I don't know what you're talking about (TRUE).
    
18. I don't believe in alien visits, ghosts, spirits, god, fairies (whichever way you choose to spell it), but I do believe I am distant cousins with Shakira. - TRUE. Both have Lebanese Christian ancestors. We must be related. My hips, as well, have been known not to spread falsehood.
    
19. Because Jamie could do it, I spent several weeks teaching myself pi to 40 places. - FALSE. Beating Jamie for valedictory speaker in a landslide means I don't really ever have to compete with him again. He can have pi. (Also, he'll definitely have a book published before I will which I hope, will forever dull the pain of losing out to me in the speechifying department.)
    
20. My dad took me shopping for my first bra. - TRUE. Have you met my mother?